Time Heals Everything: Part I

PAST

Last year, I manifested an incredible opportunity that I had been dreaming of. I was hired into a position at a partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient program to work as a nurse AND to do action oriented therapy. Before I started, I was even told that I would be able to practice as a nurse practitioner, eventually… because they wanted to grow their program! I was elated at switching the population I would be taking care of, because I had spent the last nine years taking care of the pediatric population in the intensive care unit, neurosurgery clinic, and post anesthesia care unit. This was the next chapter that I had prayed for!

I was fully immersed in the realm of mental health — learning all of the diagnoses, symptoms, and medication management. At the beginning, I would sit in on the initial two hour developmental screenings that the doctor of behavioral health would lead (I would scribe). These were the most intense sessions, as this was where the patient would describe not only their upbringing but also their past traumas. I vividly remember one time a patient was talking about something deeply traumatic, and I started to feel my spirit leave my body — it’s as if I was watching myself and the entire room from a birds eye point of view. This was the first time that this happened to me. Although I was emotionally/mentally overwhelmed, I recognized that I needed to regulate my nervous system and to ground back into my body. I started practicing regulating skills. I tuned into my breath, and deepened my exhales (practicing diaphragmatic breathing). I started to alternate tapping my feet, to bring me back down into my body. Then, PLOP: I was back and the session eventually ended. I was so confused on what had just happened, but I kept it to myself.

Then, about a month later… something similar happened. This time I was in a psychiatry session scribing and things were getting REALLY DEEP and REALLY INTENSE… REALLY FAST. This time I could feel the energy pulsating in the room. It was heavy. It was an unusual feeling for me, yet my soul felt so deeply connected to what was happening in the present moment. But then, in a blink of an eye… something happened… it was as if lightening struck my body —energetically — and I was transported to a state of deep emotional/mental overwhelm. My initial instinct was to get up and leave the room. However, I had never done that before in the middle of a session, and my people pleasing tendencies kicked in. So instead, I stayed strong and I regulated my nervous system: deep breathing and bilateral toe tapping. Then WHOOSH, within under a minute I was back to a regulated state scribing. This time, I knew I needed to bring this up in my next supervision meeting.

After bringing this experience up in my supervision meeting, I was met with something along the lines of “Maybe you aren’t ready to do this job.” Although the work environment had initially felt like a safe space to share what was happening in my life, I quickly realized that this was no longer a safe space for me to express what was going on in my mind/body/spirit. As an energetic empath, I FEEL EVERYTHING. And maybe I had overshared?… even though my supervisior was a spiritual human and doctor of Chinese medicine that I thought I could trust to help me navigate complex situations. I had a friend recommend a therapist for me, and I told her about everything that had happened during those experiences. After she provided a grounding experiencing in which I had tears rolling down my cheeks, she provided logical insight that mirrored back “Are you sure this is the right job for you?” My ego didn’t want to hear this, because again… this was my DREAM JOB that I had manifested: working at an integrative mental health center that had a wholistic approach to care. I was learning SO MUCH!!! I was at this job for a reason, and I wasn’t going to leave after only being there a handful of months. I didn’t go back to that therapist…

Seven months into the job, I was feeling much more balanced and regulated during sessions. My window of tolerance had greatly expanded to be able to hold more suffering, more trauma and more heaviness. However, the spiritual side of me would ALWAYS see something in the patient that would mirror back into myself. You know the saying: “I am you, you are me, and we are one” ? That ALWAYS stuck with me when I would do an initial medical assessment and follow ups. Whether it was something that pinged me personally or was similar in my family lineage… I could almost always relate to the patient’s story/history.

Then, during an initial intake a patient started to SCREAM and CUSS at me. They were much bigger than me, and for the first time in my life I felt threatened by a patient. My nervous system went into overdrive, and I went to grab ice for the patient to use to help them regulate. After I handed them the ice, I informed them that I would be right back… (I personally needed space)… I walked down the hall and started hysterically crying. One of the doctors of Chinese medicine pulled me into her room, soothed me and said “Your nervous system is the most important.” That day, a deep core wound was pulled from a subconscious space and into the realm of my conscious waking state. I began to question my own healing journey and what I personally needed. Maybe that therapist was right?…

Not long after that, I was gaslit at work with a very sensitive safety topic. My whole world crumbled. This “dream job” that I had thought that I manifested was only a joke of my imagination. My mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health tanked. My anxiety was back online at full force, and I was SUFFERING. At this moment in time, I told myself that I just needed to stick it out for a year — 4 more months. Internally, I knew I could do it… because I’ve faced many challenges before. However, due to the complex emotional/mental state that I was in, I was at my breaking point and I finally sought help.

I had another initial therapy session recommendation from my provider, and the vibe with this therapist just wasn’t there. Although I appreciated her note and diagnoses, our energies just didn’t match. When I talked to my friends who are psychologists about this, they encouraged me to find another therapist. Thankfully, with their support I scoured all of the bios that I could read and found someone whose words energetically opened a place in my heart. When we initially met, she was sweet, caring, thoughtful and wise. She illuminated so much during our initial session that I knew that she was THE ONE! Thank goodness I had my friends encourage me to find the right fit!

Three months later, it was my birthday (March 5) and I was starting to feel better in all areas of my life. A trip to Yosemite to celebrate my partner and I’s solar returns illuminated how much professional growth that I had endured and how much personal growth came along with it. March marked a YEAR at my job, which meant it was time for negotiations. I was ready, as last year I found out a nurse I worked with was making $13/hr more than me WHICH IS CRAZY, especially since she didn’t have a master’s degree. Although I was initially upset at the financial difference in our pay, I was SO PROUD of her for setting the bar for nursing… and we became very close friends, so YES GIRL, GET THAT MONEY!

Something that isn’t talked about much in the nursing world is negotiating. Mostly because nursing is through hospitals or other organizations that have a set rate for nursing based on experience that typically comes out to an hourly wage. The job that I signed on for was to work as a “CLINICIAN”, and I was told that every CLINICIAN gets an initial set salary wage. Although at the time it was quite a bit lower than what I was expecting, I didn’t argue or negotiate because the smaller part of me showed up interally saying (you don’t have experience as a provider in mental health, you should be grateful that you are getting this job, etc.). However, ALL OF THE WORK that I was doing was NURSING, and my background and all of my trainings allowed me to build programs, hold dynamic space, and create better systems for the company… and I needed to be compensated for all of my time and energy that I had poured into the patients and the business.

Although I was met with a $10,000 raise, it still wasn’t enough. Why does the other nurse still get to make $8/hr more than me? Why does the other nurse get an hourly wage and I get salary? Why do I have to stay late to take care of things and not get paid overtime? Why do I have to skip some of my lunch breaks because a patient needs a check in? Why am I being contacted about patient things after I am off the clock? (& I’m not getting paid for any of this, which in the nursing realm feels CRIMINAL). There were so many variables that made my head spin with the amount of indifference I was facing. When I brought all of this to the founder’s attention, she paused for about 30 seconds and then said something along the lines of “You must be really upset and experiencing a wide array of emotions.” Which in fact was true. During negotiations, I had been pitched that I would help build the outpatient program, help expand the IV Ketamine program, and eventually get to practice as a nurse practitioner for the outpatients. All of this sounded exactly what I had dreamed of… right?! But why did it feel so WRONG? I was given time to process their offer…

Then… I went to Beyoncé on May 4th and EVERYTHING CHANGED. My heart was cracked all the way open, and a spiritual awakening emerged as I was processing everything that had happened in my professional life. Her spirit and energy allowed me to deepen my embodiment of knowing how much POWER a strong, feminine woman holds.. especially when you (I) know your WORTH + VALUE. I was able to emerge with CONFIDENCE thanks to her spirit and energy during that night performing with an OPEN + PRESENT heart. My whole life flashed before my eyes, and at 34 years old I was finally able to understand that I AM WORHTY and I AM VALUABLE. I realized that when the frequency doesn’t match, it was felt on my SOUL LEVEL. Beyoncé (and my partner John and my therapist) gave me the STRENGTH and COURAGE to understand WHAT I DESERVE…

During our last negotiation meeting (after being denied for a matched hourly wage as the other nurse, I had asked for reduced hours because I was burned out), I was told something along the lines of… “You get what you get, and that’s what you get. You’re never going to get your dream job of working here part time.” The founder was practically laughing at me in my face while she was saying this. Little did she know what was coursing through my own spirit, and I knew exactly what my next steps were going to be.

Although I know most people would be thrilled to have a job that pays six figures, I knew in my heart that I had been taken advantage of, I had been gaslit without an apology from the person AND from leadership.. leading to my own health and wellbeing deteriorating and I could no longer trust the system that I worked in. So, if I could no longer trust the system that I was working in AND they didn’t pay me fairly, WHY WOULD I STAY? I took a week to ground all of my energy and talk about the next steps with my partner. When my partner told me to take the time off to focus on my own health and wellbeing, it felt like the biggest blessing that I had been given in my life. Then on a beautiful Tuesday (May 13th), I did it… I RESIGNED.

A few weeks later, I had my last (half) day at work and when I went home I listened to a talk from Sadhguru (shortened version — 12 Powerful Things to Tell Yourself Every Morning; the original version has been taken down) that one of my close friends sent. I went through so many stages of crying from listening to it because he articulated so many ways in what/how I was feeling. I felt so validated, seen and reassured with my decision to leave the company. I knew that surrendering into the unknown was the only way that I would magnetize the next chapter of my life into this 3D reality.

Here are some of Sadhguru’s insightful words…

— ”Every step, no matter how imperfect, is a part of your evolution, and that’s where real transformation lies.”
— “I am enough exactly as I am.”
— “It’s easy to forget that your value doesn’t need to be earned, it already exists.”
— “Growth comes from a place of self respect.”
— “You don’t need to hustle for your value, you simply need to own it. Because when you know you’re enough, you start making decisions that honor your self worth, not ones that chase validation. You begin to set boundaries, speak your truth and show up fully. Not to impress, but to live honestly.”
— “Growth happens in moments, sometimes quietly, sometimes in ways that aren’t visible until you look back and realize how far you’ve come.”
— “You have the right to evolve. You have the right to change your mind, to heal, to try again, to become something more, something deeper, wiser, stronger.”
— “I am becoming a better version of myself everyday.”
— “Becoming a better version of yourself is not about being better than someone else… it’s about growing into the most honest, strong and aligned version of who you already are. That kind of growth is deeply personal and it takes time. It’s not linear. Some days you’ll feel like you’re leaping forward and others you’ll feel like you’ve taken 10 steps back. But even on the tough days, you are gathering wisdom, building resilience, deepening your awareness. That counts. That’s growth too.”
— “I attract positivity, purpose and peace.”
— “The energy you carry into each day has a ripple effect.”
— “What is meant for you will find you and what isn’t will pass you by.”
— “Peace arrives when you stop chasing what doesn’t align and start trusting that you already have enough, that you already are enough.”
— “The world needs more people who bring their authenticity, their compassion, their willingness to care.”
— “The truth is that you are already making an impact just by being who you are.”
— “The way you speak to yourself sets the tone for everything else.”

PRESENT (Part II)

to be continued…